Objectives

So I will update about Munich and Austria... eventually.

Things are mediocre at best. There are definitely ups, and certainly downs... but when I ask myself if I'm really happy, I don't think I can answer yes. I was talking to my Dad about it the other night and he recommended I try to figure out what my objectives were in coming here. Here's what I've come up with:

Why be an Au Pair?
1. Travel
2. Learn a new language
3. Do something/live somewhere completely new and different
4. Personal growth
5. Become part of the host family
6. Make lifelong friendships

I can safely say that I've partially accomplished numbers 1-4. However, the more I think about it the more I realize that I really do still feel like a guest living in someone else's house. My room feels relatively like my own private place, and I obviously know the house itself well... but relationally, I just don't feel like family.

It's been four months, and while I know I shouldn't expect it to be like we've known each other for years, I do still feel like someone they hired to do stuff for them. The point of being an Au Pair is to be a part of the family, specifically in working with the kids. That's what makes it different from a nanny- a nanny is clearly an employee. Even though I've gone on vacation with the family, it's definitely felt more like mandatory work than family time.

In addition, at least half of my work is cleaning. The mom doesn't work full time, so it makes sense that I'm not spending all of my work time with the kids- I have the kids two or three times a week in the afternoon... so if I want to make my hours, I have to do something. I don't mind that it's cleaning, but I didn't come to Germany to clean house. My weekly cleaning includes vacuuming the whole house, mopping, and cleaning the kids room, my room, and the bathroom we share... which I think is totally fair. I definitely had chores when I was a kid. They don't like me to go back to bed in the mornings, however, so they come up with projects for me to do (such as cleaning the garage, organizing the pantry, dusting the picture frames and lamps, etc.) Again, this isn't over the top... but when the hours cleaning equal the hours spent with kids, I begin to wonder why I even bother. I can clean at home in Boise.

In truth, they don't really need me... but we knew that months ago. Sometimes the kids are great, sometimes the kids are nightmares- but that's to be expected. Sometimes there are misunderstandings that need to be worked through, but that's the way it is with any relationship.

I think it's just everything together. I'm only just starting to make a couple friends, one of which will be going back to Hungary at the end of January. I started going to the normal church choir rehearsals instead of gospel choir, and the people are so much nicer and come up and talk to me... but I just don't have anyone here. I guess that's what missing... even though they're my guest family, I don't feel connected to them. I don't have friends outside of the house, but I don't really have people to feel comfortable and myself with IN the house. If I don't have that, then what am I really doing here?

In trying to figure out what's "wrong," I think it really comes down to my relationship with the family. It's definitely polite and cordial, and we like each other... but we're just not bonding. We know so much about each other (well, I think they know more about me... I tend to be an open book, whether you like it or not) but there just isn't a connection. Esther and I have had two experiences where I've felt like we were really connecting and enjoying each other's company... and sometimes the three of us play games. But in day-to-day life, I don't think there is one. The rest of the time, I'm just a person living in their house, cleaning and hanging out with their kids.

So how do we move forward from that? Do we make it work, or go our separate ways? Can we make it work?

I just don't know.