**this was written about a week ago, but I never finished it... so I'll have to pick up from there in another post... but here's the story so far!**
I’m currently sitting on a train on my way back to Oldenburg from Flensburg after visiting my fifth (and hopefully final) family. I’m in one of those little rooms with a door, and was first in but closely followed in by a sketchy looking guy who asked me how far I was going on the train. Memo to sketchers and really anyone it may concern: do not sit in a confined room if you are going to fart copiously. I am seriously considering leaving and going to a place without a power outlet, especially since I don’t even need it right now.
Anyway, quite a few things have happened since the last time around. First let’s explain the last post:
I’ve been different kinds of sick for the last five weeks. At first it was just a head and chest cold, and then I got a fever. Then it got a little better, but then I got another fever in addition to headache, sore throat, and ear aches. I went to the doctor and he gave me antibiotics, and then I went on my first family-visiting to Munich and Frankfurt. This past week I’ve had three or four fevers (the highest was 102.4 or so) and the headaches, sore throat, and ear aches are back. The worst of it, however, is that I am SUPER congested and can’t really breathe through my nose at all (except of course now that I’m in a train compartment with Farty over there). Anyway, the night of the 23rd I only got four hours of sleep and woke up at 6 am from lack of breathing through my nose. I called my Dad to ask if he had any helpful suggestions, and then around 6:30 I heard Frank and Esther, so I thought I’d go downstairs and ask them if they had any ideas for a super stuffy nose.
As I was getting up to leave to go back upstairs, Esther brought up a situation that had happened the evening before (I said something to Esther, which Esther originally agreed with but when Sara whined, Esther gave in. I said “But that’s exactly what I told her she couldn’t do” –which I had already explained to Esther. Esther said “She needs to learn it’s uncomfortable” to which I said “She needs to learn not to get what she wants all the time,” to which Esther said “She doesn’t always get what she wants.”) Esther’s problem with the situation was only that I should’ve said it in English and not in German, but as Esther had brought the situation up and I was feeling sick and was on limited sleep, I took the opportunity to tell them how I’ve been feeling. I told them that right now it’s really hard for me to figure out where my line is with the kids, and in the house in general, now that we’ve decided I’m leaving. I told them that I feel like I can’t even say anything to the kids anymore, and to boot I don’t really have a lot of time with them at all. I told them that I do not feel like I am an Au Pair anymore, but I feel like I’m a “putzfrau” and occasional babysitter. Although this is really how I feel, regardless of sleep levels, this was really upsetting to Esther. She said “Das stimmt nicht, das stimmt GAR nicht” (that’s not true, that’s not true at all”) and I told her that all I really do is clean the house, and once in a while I’m with the kids. She pulled out the schedule and pointed out all the times she has me with the kids… the only big times I’ve been with the kids in the last several weeks was this last weekend because Esther and Frank were gone overnight and at the beginning of the month when Esther and Frank took a little vacation together for three days. I pointed out that, while those times with the kids were really great, otherwise it’s really only an hour here and there- take them to kindergarten, pick them up, put them to bed. I also told them that when Esther has scheduled for us to have time together with the kids, it’s hard for me to want to do it, especially because it often turns into Julia being with the kids so Esther can do something else (one particular occasion I decided to skip out on cookie baking and Esther was upset because she wasn’t able to get something else done in the meantime… even though it was supposed to be the both of us together, she wasn’t planning on having it that way, anyway).
Honestly, whenever there are chanced for me to be alone, I go for it. If I’m not scheduled to be with the kids, I tend to just keep to myself- it’s REALLY hard to try and integrate myself into a situation that we’ve admitted doesn’t work. I tried to explain it’s the same thing in the evenings- I’m not really playing games with them or watching movies with them because it’s hard and uncomfortable. I’m not saying it’s the right thing to do, but it’s the easier thing to do, and at this point I don’t think it’s the worst thing I could do. Esther had said she couldn’t figure out why I had been pulling away when she had been going farther out of her way to be nice, which I HAD noticed. It’s not that I’m being mean, but I’m not being as open as I was before… and as far as I can see, I’m not sure why I should be otherwise.
Then Frank spoke up and said he was angry because the other night when I got back from my language class, I went straight into my room when I supposed to be on with the kids- who were SUPPOSED to be in bed, but somehow even though it was 8:00 Esther and Frank hadn’t managed it yet (makes me SO MAD- I ALWAYS have the kids in bed within 15 minutes of their bedtime, 7:00. Why am I the only one capable of doing this? It’s in the best interest of the kids, which is why I go out of my way to make sure it gets done.) I went straight to my room because I had a phone date and I didn’t feel like trying to fake a conversation with them. Anyway, after being in my room for a few minutes, Frank came into my room to remind me that they were leaving and I was going to be alone with the kids. Then I heard Simon crying, and even though I knew Esther was there with him, I decided to go in and offer to take over. As I went in, Esther had Simon on her arm and he was complaining that she was leaving. She explained that she was going to a birthday party, and as she was trying to explain calmly to him about how when it’s his birthday again he can invite whoever he wants (not sure there relevance or comfort there) but he wasn’t listening, so then she lost her temper and yelled at him for not listening... making him cry more. Nice. So, as she was using her own parenting techniques to deal with the situation, I went back into my room.
Apparently, after Esther went downstairs, Simon followed after her. The only thing I knew is that Esther came and knocked on my door and said she wanted it to be open so I could hear Simon if he went downstairs. I told her no, I preferred for my door to be closed because I was going to have a phone date, and besides that I can usually hear when the kids stand up. (Seriously, it happens all the time where I stop what I’m doing and go and check on the kids and make sure they’re in bed and not running around.) As I was saying this to Esther, she closed the door. I found it rude that she would do this as I was speaking, but she didn’t say that Simon had already gone downstairs- I had no idea, and in addition they were still home. I’m not saying I was in the right, but I AM saying that sometimes the kids are really quiet and you can’t hear them AND that I’m not perfect. Anyway, the fact that I had made this mistake of not hearing a very light footed three year old really pissed Frank off. He said that that as far as he is concerned, this situation isn’t working out AT ALL anymore. Esther said she didn't feel that way, but had no idea I was so frustrated. I agreed with Frank and said that it was completely clear things weren't working out, and that I couldn't get out of this house fast enough.
**Okay, end of what I had written. I will attempt to go from there in a less tangenty following post**
No comments:
Post a Comment