The original title of this post was "Attempting Optimism"... but unfortunately, that is no longer the case.
Tonight I sat down with the parents and we agreed that it's for the best that I leave at the end of January.
Again, my relationship with the kids is going really well, and gets better every day. However, my relationship with the parents just isn't working out. They said, and I agree, that it's better I go now and we can stay on good terms that to pain it out until the end and hate each other. Our personalities just aren't meshing. No matter how hard we try, we just can't seem to understand one another. They are tired of explaining, and I'm tired of being explained to. No matter what I do, it just isn't enough. Last week (or the week before) we sat down and tried to talk through solutions, but I just think we're all out of energy. It is not fun or easy to be around each other, and it's just all around too stressful - this is not how this should be.
Even though we really have tried our hardest to make things work out, I still feel like a failure. I set out to spend a year in another country, and even though this is a result of all three of us, I still feel like I'll be coming home with my head hung.
They had an au pair for four months this last Spring, and I have no idea what their relationship was like but she was only ever going to stay for 6 months. When you know it's a relatively short term arrangement, things don't come to blows because you know it'll be over soon and it isn't worth fighting over.
I've already been here longer than their previous au pair, so the kids are already anticipating my departure (even though we told them it would be for a year). Last time they said goodbye after four months, so now they know that since she left after four months, I must be leaving after four months. They keep telling me which things I can take with me (such as drawings they make) and which things I can't (such as toys). They aren't being rude, their little bodies just know that the same amount of time has passed and, by precedent, it's time for me to go.
What makes me really sad is to leave before I'm really fluent, to leave before I've seen more of Europe, and above all to leave the kids. I really do love those kids, and I know that they love me, too. It's amazing how good my relationship with the kids is, especially in light of how stressful things have been with the parents. Sara and I have our birthdays a day apart, and I was hoping to hold out until then so we could celebrate together... but unfortunately, that won't be happening.
I think the last two months will be okay. Uncomfortable, but better knowing that it's only for two months and not for eight. I just hope that I continue to grow with the kids and that they will all have more good than bad to remember me by.
Thank you for your love and support- it's been very difficult and lonely here, and I know that I couldn't get through this sanely without it.
Lots of love,
~Julia~
Monday, November 23, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Objectives
So I will update about Munich and Austria... eventually.
Things are mediocre at best. There are definitely ups, and certainly downs... but when I ask myself if I'm really happy, I don't think I can answer yes. I was talking to my Dad about it the other night and he recommended I try to figure out what my objectives were in coming here. Here's what I've come up with:
Why be an Au Pair?
1. Travel
2. Learn a new language
3. Do something/live somewhere completely new and different
4. Personal growth
5. Become part of the host family
6. Make lifelong friendships
I can safely say that I've partially accomplished numbers 1-4. However, the more I think about it the more I realize that I really do still feel like a guest living in someone else's house. My room feels relatively like my own private place, and I obviously know the house itself well... but relationally, I just don't feel like family.
It's been four months, and while I know I shouldn't expect it to be like we've known each other for years, I do still feel like someone they hired to do stuff for them. The point of being an Au Pair is to be a part of the family, specifically in working with the kids. That's what makes it different from a nanny- a nanny is clearly an employee. Even though I've gone on vacation with the family, it's definitely felt more like mandatory work than family time.
In addition, at least half of my work is cleaning. The mom doesn't work full time, so it makes sense that I'm not spending all of my work time with the kids- I have the kids two or three times a week in the afternoon... so if I want to make my hours, I have to do something. I don't mind that it's cleaning, but I didn't come to Germany to clean house. My weekly cleaning includes vacuuming the whole house, mopping, and cleaning the kids room, my room, and the bathroom we share... which I think is totally fair. I definitely had chores when I was a kid. They don't like me to go back to bed in the mornings, however, so they come up with projects for me to do (such as cleaning the garage, organizing the pantry, dusting the picture frames and lamps, etc.) Again, this isn't over the top... but when the hours cleaning equal the hours spent with kids, I begin to wonder why I even bother. I can clean at home in Boise.
In truth, they don't really need me... but we knew that months ago. Sometimes the kids are great, sometimes the kids are nightmares- but that's to be expected. Sometimes there are misunderstandings that need to be worked through, but that's the way it is with any relationship.
I think it's just everything together. I'm only just starting to make a couple friends, one of which will be going back to Hungary at the end of January. I started going to the normal church choir rehearsals instead of gospel choir, and the people are so much nicer and come up and talk to me... but I just don't have anyone here. I guess that's what missing... even though they're my guest family, I don't feel connected to them. I don't have friends outside of the house, but I don't really have people to feel comfortable and myself with IN the house. If I don't have that, then what am I really doing here?
In trying to figure out what's "wrong," I think it really comes down to my relationship with the family. It's definitely polite and cordial, and we like each other... but we're just not bonding. We know so much about each other (well, I think they know more about me... I tend to be an open book, whether you like it or not) but there just isn't a connection. Esther and I have had two experiences where I've felt like we were really connecting and enjoying each other's company... and sometimes the three of us play games. But in day-to-day life, I don't think there is one. The rest of the time, I'm just a person living in their house, cleaning and hanging out with their kids.
So how do we move forward from that? Do we make it work, or go our separate ways? Can we make it work?
I just don't know.
Things are mediocre at best. There are definitely ups, and certainly downs... but when I ask myself if I'm really happy, I don't think I can answer yes. I was talking to my Dad about it the other night and he recommended I try to figure out what my objectives were in coming here. Here's what I've come up with:
Why be an Au Pair?
1. Travel
2. Learn a new language
3. Do something/live somewhere completely new and different
4. Personal growth
5. Become part of the host family
6. Make lifelong friendships
I can safely say that I've partially accomplished numbers 1-4. However, the more I think about it the more I realize that I really do still feel like a guest living in someone else's house. My room feels relatively like my own private place, and I obviously know the house itself well... but relationally, I just don't feel like family.
It's been four months, and while I know I shouldn't expect it to be like we've known each other for years, I do still feel like someone they hired to do stuff for them. The point of being an Au Pair is to be a part of the family, specifically in working with the kids. That's what makes it different from a nanny- a nanny is clearly an employee. Even though I've gone on vacation with the family, it's definitely felt more like mandatory work than family time.
In addition, at least half of my work is cleaning. The mom doesn't work full time, so it makes sense that I'm not spending all of my work time with the kids- I have the kids two or three times a week in the afternoon... so if I want to make my hours, I have to do something. I don't mind that it's cleaning, but I didn't come to Germany to clean house. My weekly cleaning includes vacuuming the whole house, mopping, and cleaning the kids room, my room, and the bathroom we share... which I think is totally fair. I definitely had chores when I was a kid. They don't like me to go back to bed in the mornings, however, so they come up with projects for me to do (such as cleaning the garage, organizing the pantry, dusting the picture frames and lamps, etc.) Again, this isn't over the top... but when the hours cleaning equal the hours spent with kids, I begin to wonder why I even bother. I can clean at home in Boise.
In truth, they don't really need me... but we knew that months ago. Sometimes the kids are great, sometimes the kids are nightmares- but that's to be expected. Sometimes there are misunderstandings that need to be worked through, but that's the way it is with any relationship.
I think it's just everything together. I'm only just starting to make a couple friends, one of which will be going back to Hungary at the end of January. I started going to the normal church choir rehearsals instead of gospel choir, and the people are so much nicer and come up and talk to me... but I just don't have anyone here. I guess that's what missing... even though they're my guest family, I don't feel connected to them. I don't have friends outside of the house, but I don't really have people to feel comfortable and myself with IN the house. If I don't have that, then what am I really doing here?
In trying to figure out what's "wrong," I think it really comes down to my relationship with the family. It's definitely polite and cordial, and we like each other... but we're just not bonding. We know so much about each other (well, I think they know more about me... I tend to be an open book, whether you like it or not) but there just isn't a connection. Esther and I have had two experiences where I've felt like we were really connecting and enjoying each other's company... and sometimes the three of us play games. But in day-to-day life, I don't think there is one. The rest of the time, I'm just a person living in their house, cleaning and hanging out with their kids.
So how do we move forward from that? Do we make it work, or go our separate ways? Can we make it work?
I just don't know.
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