the Resolution

The original title of this post was "Attempting Optimism"... but unfortunately, that is no longer the case.

Tonight I sat down with the parents and we agreed that it's for the best that I leave at the end of January.

Again, my relationship with the kids is going really well, and gets better every day. However, my relationship with the parents just isn't working out. They said, and I agree, that it's better I go now and we can stay on good terms that to pain it out until the end and hate each other. Our personalities just aren't meshing. No matter how hard we try, we just can't seem to understand one another. They are tired of explaining, and I'm tired of being explained to. No matter what I do, it just isn't enough. Last week (or the week before) we sat down and tried to talk through solutions, but I just think we're all out of energy. It is not fun or easy to be around each other, and it's just all around too stressful - this is not how this should be.

Even though we really have tried our hardest to make things work out, I still feel like a failure. I set out to spend a year in another country, and even though this is a result of all three of us, I still feel like I'll be coming home with my head hung.

They had an au pair for four months this last Spring, and I have no idea what their relationship was like but she was only ever going to stay for 6 months. When you know it's a relatively short term arrangement, things don't come to blows because you know it'll be over soon and it isn't worth fighting over.

I've already been here longer than their previous au pair, so the kids are already anticipating my departure (even though we told them it would be for a year). Last time they said goodbye after four months, so now they know that since she left after four months, I must be leaving after four months. They keep telling me which things I can take with me (such as drawings they make) and which things I can't (such as toys). They aren't being rude, their little bodies just know that the same amount of time has passed and, by precedent, it's time for me to go.

What makes me really sad is to leave before I'm really fluent, to leave before I've seen more of Europe, and above all to leave the kids. I really do love those kids, and I know that they love me, too. It's amazing how good my relationship with the kids is, especially in light of how stressful things have been with the parents. Sara and I have our birthdays a day apart, and I was hoping to hold out until then so we could celebrate together... but unfortunately, that won't be happening.

I think the last two months will be okay. Uncomfortable, but better knowing that it's only for two months and not for eight. I just hope that I continue to grow with the kids and that they will all have more good than bad to remember me by.

Thank you for your love and support- it's been very difficult and lonely here, and I know that I couldn't get through this sanely without it.

Lots of love,
~Julia~