Ich bin noch hier!

I realize it has been far too long since I've posted, but I can safely say that life has been nothing short of busy.

I moved in with my new family on January 6th. I am just so grateful to be in this new environment! I get along really well with the kids (Jakob, 3 and Linus, 9 mos.) and seem to both really like me. Jakob is just starting to realize that he has to share his toys with his brother, which has led to several instances of Jakob having to play by himself since he can't play well with others. The parents here (Doris and Hanno) actually agree with (or are at least okay with) my tough love with the kids and have said that I'm good with the kids - even when I'm being firm with them! Even though I've been firm with him, Jakob still really seems to like me and tries to learn from the past! He's getting better at using "bitte" (please) without me prompting him, and he doesn't tend to make the same mistakes over again (except, of course, taking toys out of Linus' hand... or mouth...)

It just feels really good to have the parent's support. It's just so different than at my last house. They've taught Jakob to ask if he's allowed to leave the dinner table ("darf ich bitte auf stehen"), and one day he asked me. I said he had to ask his parents, but Hanno told me that I'm an adult in this house and it's okay for me to decide if he can or can't. Usually he just needs to have taken a few more bites (if there's anything left on his plate), finish his drink, and maybe we'll offer him a yogurt (kid loves his yogurt). It's just SO different from before, and so nice to feel trusted and like I'm actually an adult in the house who is there to help with the kids. It feels so nice to be trusted and respected like that.

I do have to say that being an Au Pair does tend to bring out my imperfections... namely that of my tardiness. I've run into a few scrapes here with that, and although it's extremely embarrassing and makes me feel completely ashamed, I appreciate that they're willing to tell me up front. We don't need to have weekly meetings because they tell me how they feel. They just give me a printed schedule over the weekend (which I actually don't have to work during!) and let me know if there's anything particular I need to know. I have made a few really dumb mistakes here and there, but even though it's thoroughly humbling, in the long run it helps me grown. Sometimes, though, I get afraid that I'm not good enough and I feel like a red-headed step child (not because of them, but because of the stupid things I do).

So here are a few highlights of the last few weeks:
-I spent the first week or so in the guest room (house is being renovated downstairs and my room didn't have a door). The heat has had several problems which are now resolved, but during that first week I was living in the ice cavern of death.
-I went to London!! It was magnificent. I just adore that city so much it's out of control. I saw four shows, met with friends from Olaf studying theatre there for a month (which I did in January 2007), met another friend who I graduated with who's studying music composition outside of London, and met a new friend! My dad has been telling me for several months that there's a Rotary Scholar from his club studying there and she had a free bed... so I emailed her a week before I was coming and asked if she was interested in hosting a perfect stranger. To my surprise and delight, she said yes!! We got along really well and I'm so grateful to her! I enjoyed wandering around London and getting to know the city better, and I was reminded of how much I really do love that city, and how much I would love to stay there for an extended period of time...
-I moved into my new room!
-The renovated kitchen was ready to be used and we moved everything downstairs!
-The heating, which had been poorly functioning, began not functioning at all throughout the whole house. We spent a day over at Doris' parent's house because it was so cold.
-The heating was fixed, but the pipe leading to the upstairs bathroom froze.
-The frozen pipe warmed up, and then burst during the night... and flooded our new kitchen. I was awoken at 7:20, and the pipe was fixed around 9. However, the water caused a good amount of damage, and not only to the kitchen. My room is adjacent to the kitchen, and accordingly received a small amount of damage. The water seeped through the wall and soaked half of my floor. The water followed the paramater of the room and even managed to sneak it's way into the ceiling and wall of the room on the other side of mine.
-I have moved back into the ice cavern of death, which although not as cold as before is still assuredly quite cold. A few days ago it was a mere 57 degrees, but it's now up to a whopping 64. Trust me - as anybody in Minnesota will tell you, the difference those degrees make is pretty huge. And maybe you're thinking to yourself "64 degrees sounds pretty warm to me," just remind yourself there's a difference between 64 degrees in the Spring and 64 degrees in your bedroom.
-We have been using the upstairs kitchen (although bringing our dishes downstairs to the dishwasher), but will now have to move back upstairs as the repairs will take 2-3 weeks. They might have the dishwasher brought upstairs in the meantime.
-I have turned a friend of mine into a fan of Anne of Green Gables. If nothing else were to come of my time here, at least I know I've changed one life for the better ;)

Quite the few weeks, right?

I have tomorrow off, mainly because Hanno will be gone Thursday and Friday and I will working all day those two days. Wish me luck...

Liebe Grüße!
~Julia~

Heading in a New Direction

Okay, so after having looked back at the things I've written in the last post, I need to learn how NOT to tangent. I've always been a great teller of long tales without big endings, but I seriously need to figure out how to condense my stories.

Here's the newest update:

I have chosen a new host family. They are a family of four with parents Hanno and Doris, and the two kids Jakob (2.5) and Linus (8 mos.) In retrospect, a tad frightening as that is two, count 'em TWO little kids in diapers AND, they're both boys. Due in large part to the Aspaas family, I have extensive experience with wee girls... but Simon is the youngest boy I've ever looked after, and praise be to God he's potty trained... does potty training sound like an inappropriate term for a human to anyone else? Anyway...

The main reason for choosing this family is because they are in the town of Berne, which is only about 30 minutes away by car from Oldenburg. This means that:
-I can continue to go to the same church
-I can continue to sing in the church choir
-I can continue to see the kids every once in a while!
-I can continue to hang out with the friends I've made here. Less often, but I won't have to start from scratch in the friend department.

Other important points include:
-I will have the use of a car
-I will have a slightly larger room and sole use of a bathroom
-I will have more flexibility to travel
-I will have NO HOUSEHOLD CHORES (except for the standard dishes, helping set the table, cleaning my room, etc)

I will only be with the family until May when they will receive another Au Pair from Texas. However, they HAVE offered to let me leave my stuff there so I can take some time to travel around Europe! This means that I should be home sometime around mid to late June- just in time for a full circle family Fourth of July ;)

My current (but not for long!) host family was gone this past weekend to Hamburg, but before they left we agreed that for as long as I would be with them in January, it would be for the best if I stayed as a guest- receiving no money and no corresponding chores. However, they seemed to think it best if they got their money's worth for December, so on the night of the 30th I came home to a list of chores they had out for me. Just the weekly chores (vacuuming, mopping, cleaning the bathroom, ironing, folding the wash)... but they left it for me to do with only ONE day left in December. I was (and frankly still am) so frustrated, angry, and offended that they would leave me two days worth of chores to do on New Year's Eve. Either they figured a couple hours of chores wasn't too much to ask on a holiday, even if they were gone, or that it wouldn't be a big deal for me to do some housework in January, unpaid. I debated for three days on whether or not to do the chores, including lots of crying and talking to my dad. My dad, however, was doing his job and led me in the Godly direction, and not in the petulant immature angry child direction... so in the end, I did the chores (even if there were a few angry grunts here and there). But for clarification purposes, it wasn't the contents of the list that made me angry, it's that they expected it of me after they had said that I would be living with them as a non-working guest for the rest of my time. I guess they wanted their money's worth while I was still on their dime.

Yesterday when they got back, both of the kids were really excited to see me. Sara has told me that she loves me several times, and that she's sad that I'm leaving. Simon has also said on several occasions that he likes me a lot ("Ich mag dich ganz gern") but last night was the first time he said he loved me. I said I loved him, too, and asked for a kiss... which he of course refused so I had to fight for it, but after some teasing and tickling I got my kiss :)

Tonight at dinner Frank and Esther asked me if I wanted to do something, and I said no. On the one hand, they don't know how angry I felt at them for leaving me a list of chores... but on the other, I AM hurt and upset, and I don't want to be around them more than I have to. As pointed out by my wise father, the best thing for me to do would be to try to reestablish a pleasant relationship with them... but DANG IT sometimes the right thing is HARD. We have pleasantries, and although I told them tonight that it's still difficult for me to live here, I did my best to participate in small talk, plus I helped set and clear the table. I'm not trying to be rude, but I also don't have the energy to go out of my way to be personal anymore. I also don't want to tell them how I feel, because the LAST thing I want is another serious conversation... I just want to keep my head down and power through.

Thankfully, the light at the end of the tunnel isn't far off- I spoke with Hanno (new host dad) and I will get to move in with them on WEDNESDAY!! I know that's really soon, but as far as I can see, the sooner the better. He offered to get me tomorrow, but I figured it would be for the best if I had one more day to say goodbye to the kids. Even if I feel like running out of here, I don't exactly want to give out that impression. My goal is to remain respectful, and not make things any worse than they already are.

SO- I have officially updated you (in bits and pieces) of what my life looks like right now. I would just like to say that it means so much to me to have the support of my friends and family. I know it seems cheesy and cliche, but it really is true. I also know that, despite everything, God has still been here for me. Shane Maxey once said (a long, LONG time ago when they first came to First Baptist) that "God makes you, breaks you, and puts you back together again." I've definitely been broken before, and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. If it hadn't been for all of the difficult things I've already dealt with in my life, I would be a hopeless wreck right now. Somehow, I have come out the other side stronger.

I started reading a daily devotional while I've been here, and although I started it in November and I'm only on day 6, I've still taken away a few gems, including this one: "You do not know what you are going to do; the only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing." Well I sure don't know what I'm doing, but I'm willing to have the faith that God does.

I know I'm not the only one dealing with life right now. If there's anybody who needs a word of encouragement, I hope this helps you as much as it helped me:

"Do Not Worry

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

-Matthew 6:25-34

Alles liebe,
~Julia~

And Now for Something Completely Different

**this was written about a week ago, but I never finished it... so I'll have to pick up from there in another post... but here's the story so far!**

I’m currently sitting on a train on my way back to Oldenburg from Flensburg after visiting my fifth (and hopefully final) family. I’m in one of those little rooms with a door, and was first in but closely followed in by a sketchy looking guy who asked me how far I was going on the train. Memo to sketchers and really anyone it may concern: do not sit in a confined room if you are going to fart copiously. I am seriously considering leaving and going to a place without a power outlet, especially since I don’t even need it right now.

Anyway, quite a few things have happened since the last time around. First let’s explain the last post:

I’ve been different kinds of sick for the last five weeks. At first it was just a head and chest cold, and then I got a fever. Then it got a little better, but then I got another fever in addition to headache, sore throat, and ear aches. I went to the doctor and he gave me antibiotics, and then I went on my first family-visiting to Munich and Frankfurt. This past week I’ve had three or four fevers (the highest was 102.4 or so) and the headaches, sore throat, and ear aches are back. The worst of it, however, is that I am SUPER congested and can’t really breathe through my nose at all (except of course now that I’m in a train compartment with Farty over there). Anyway, the night of the 23^rd I only got four hours of sleep and woke up at 6 am from lack of breathing through my nose. I called my Dad to ask if he had any helpful suggestions, and then around 6:30 I heard Frank and Esther, so I thought I’d go downstairs and ask them if they had any ideas for a super stuffy nose.

As I was getting up to leave to go back upstairs, Esther brought up a situation that had happened the evening before (I said something to Esther, which Esther originally agreed with but when Sara whined, Esther gave in. I said “But that’s exactly what I told her she couldn’t do” –which I had already explained to Esther. Esther said “She needs to learn it’s uncomfortable” to which I said “She needs to learn not to get what she wants all the time,” to which Esther said “She doesn’t always get what she wants.”) Esther’s problem with the situation was only that I should’ve said it in English and not in German, but as Esther had brought the situation up and I was feeling sick and was on limited sleep, I took the opportunity to tell them how I’ve been feeling. I told them that right now it’s really hard for me to figure out where my line is with the kids, and in the house in general, now that we’ve decided I’m leaving. I told them that I feel like I can’t even say anything to the kids anymore, and to boot I don’t really have a lot of time with them at all. I told them that I do not feel like I am an Au Pair anymore, but I feel like I’m a “putzfrau” and occasional babysitter. Although this is really how I feel, regardless of sleep levels, this was really upsetting to Esther. She said “Das stimmt nicht, das stimmt GAR nicht” (that’s not true, that’s not true at all”) and I told her that all I really do is clean the house, and once in a while I’m with the kids. She pulled out the schedule and pointed out all the times she has me with the kids… the only big times I’ve been with the kids in the last several weeks was this last weekend because Esther and Frank were gone overnight and at the beginning of the month when Esther and Frank took a little vacation together for three days. I pointed out that, while those times with the kids were really great, otherwise it’s really only an hour here and there- take them to kindergarten, pick them up, put them to bed. I also told them that when Esther has scheduled for us to have time together with the kids, it’s hard for me to want to do it, especially because it often turns into Julia being with the kids so Esther can do something else (one particular occasion I decided to skip out on cookie baking and Esther was upset because she wasn’t able to get something else done in the meantime… even though it was supposed to be the both of us together, she wasn’t planning on having it that way, anyway).

Honestly, whenever there are chanced for me to be alone, I go for it. If I’m not scheduled to be with the kids, I tend to just keep to myself- it’s REALLY hard to try and integrate myself into a situation that we’ve admitted doesn’t work. I tried to explain it’s the same thing in the evenings- I’m not really playing games with them or watching movies with them because it’s hard and uncomfortable. I’m not saying it’s the right thing to do, but it’s the easier thing to do, and at this point I don’t think it’s the worst thing I could do. Esther had said she couldn’t figure out why I had been pulling away when she had been going farther out of her way to be nice, which I HAD noticed. It’s not that I’m being mean, but I’m not being as open as I was before… and as far as I can see, I’m not sure why I should be otherwise.

Then Frank spoke up and said he was angry because the other night when I got back from my language class, I went straight into my room when I supposed to be on with the kids- who were SUPPOSED to be in bed, but somehow even though it was 8:00 Esther and Frank hadn’t managed it yet (makes me SO MAD- I ALWAYS have the kids in bed within 15 minutes of their bedtime, 7:00. Why am I the only one capable of doing this? It’s in the best interest of the kids, which is why I go out of my way to make sure it gets done.) I went straight to my room because I had a phone date and I didn’t feel like trying to fake a conversation with them. Anyway, after being in my room for a few minutes, Frank came into my room to remind me that they were leaving and I was going to be alone with the kids. Then I heard Simon crying, and even though I knew Esther was there with him, I decided to go in and offer to take over. As I went in, Esther had Simon on her arm and he was complaining that she was leaving. She explained that she was going to a birthday party, and as she was trying to explain calmly to him about how when it’s his birthday again he can invite whoever he wants (not sure there relevance or comfort there) but he wasn’t listening, so then she lost her temper and yelled at him for not listening... making him cry more. Nice. So, as she was using her own parenting techniques to deal with the situation, I went back into my room.

Apparently, after Esther went downstairs, Simon followed after her. The only thing I knew is that Esther came and knocked on my door and said she wanted it to be open so I could hear Simon if he went downstairs. I told her no, I preferred for my door to be closed because I was going to have a phone date, and besides that I can usually hear when the kids stand up. (Seriously, it happens all the time where I stop what I’m doing and go and check on the kids and make sure they’re in bed and not running around.) As I was saying this to Esther, she closed the door. I found it rude that she would do this as I was speaking, but she didn’t say that Simon had already gone downstairs- I had no idea, and in addition they were still home. I’m not saying I was in the right, but I AM saying that sometimes the kids are really quiet and you can’t hear them AND that I’m not perfect. Anyway, the fact that I had made this mistake of not hearing a very light footed three year old really pissed Frank off. He said that that as far as he is concerned, this situation isn’t working out AT ALL anymore. Esther said she didn't feel that way, but had no idea I was so frustrated. I agreed with Frank and said that it was completely clear things weren't working out, and that I couldn't get out of this house fast enough.

**Okay, end of what I had written. I will attempt to go from there in a less tangenty following post**

A Short, Sweet Thing of the Past

Why does updating a blog have to feel like so much gal-darn work? You’d think it wouldn’t be such a big deal to log on and write a little every once in a while, and yet somehow I never take the time to get around to it. Not like you’re all thriving on my every move, but frankly there’s a good amount going on at the moment that would justify more frequent updates. My bad.

To make things easier, I’m going to separate things into two different posts. That way it will hopefully be less overwhelming to read. Just remember, no matter how overwhelmed you are by reading, I can assure you it is far more overwhelming as a way of life.

SO- before I start updates on the last few chaotic weeks of my life, let’s face facts- I ain’t neva gonna update about Munich and Austria in as much detail as they deserve… so here are the bullet points:

- We managed to mob our way into the Hofbräuhaus in Munich where we magically found a table big enough for all of us outside on the balcony. We were stationed next to a group of Irishmen, and had lots of beer (well, the people I was with at least). The sheer amount of lederhosen, dirndels, and drunken good cheer was delightfully impressive.

-We were supposed to have a table inside the Löwenbrau tent, but they rejected the credit card due to “unusual activity” so we sat outside the tent, instead. The consensus was that we were better off, seeing as we could hear one another. The tents were also delightfully full of drunken good cheer, lederhosen, and dirndels, along with a brass band. It was unbelievably hot (especially for late September) so I walked around in my undershirt tanktop. I even managed to get down one Radler (light beer mixed with Sprite)… even if it did take me about two hours.

-Austria is quite possibly the most beautiful country in the world… not like I’ve seen the rest of the world to compare, but after seeing Austria I feel like it’s no contest. I can’t believe people get to live there.

-The first night when they picked me up from the train station, we wandered around Salzburg. It was absolutely beautiful, and it was fun to see all the architecture and history of the city.

-Margarita and Gottlieb (my brother-in-law’s parents) have a beautiful house in the beautiful mountain town of Ramsau am Dachstein. Every morning I woke up and looked out the window to see the fields of cows and never-ending rows of mountains, and couldn’t help but sing “O What a Beautiful Morning” (who knew “Oklahoma!” would be so applicable in Austria?)

-I bought a dirndel! Not because I need one, but because DARN IT I wanted one!

-I got to go on two hours walks (almost) every day with Margarita and their dog, Dinka. We just wandered around the mountainside and enjoyed good conversation and God’s good green Earth :)

-Gottlieb and Margarita took me to several different lakes, so I got to see a few different little towns including Hallstadt. Again, just about everything in Austria is picturesque.

Update of my life to come... shortly...

Pray Hard

I will update later (promise, I've even started one) but I just really need to ask you all to pray for me right now. Things came to an un-pretty pass this morning and I'm not sure how I can continue to live in this house for the next few weeks. Please pray for healing and REST (I've been sick for a month solid now), but most importantly pray that God will comfort and guide me. I need him as my Heavenly Father now more than ever, so please pray that he leads me... or I guess more so that I follow- whether I see the way the path turns or not.

Please pray hard.

the Resolution

The original title of this post was "Attempting Optimism"... but unfortunately, that is no longer the case.

Tonight I sat down with the parents and we agreed that it's for the best that I leave at the end of January.

Again, my relationship with the kids is going really well, and gets better every day. However, my relationship with the parents just isn't working out. They said, and I agree, that it's better I go now and we can stay on good terms that to pain it out until the end and hate each other. Our personalities just aren't meshing. No matter how hard we try, we just can't seem to understand one another. They are tired of explaining, and I'm tired of being explained to. No matter what I do, it just isn't enough. Last week (or the week before) we sat down and tried to talk through solutions, but I just think we're all out of energy. It is not fun or easy to be around each other, and it's just all around too stressful - this is not how this should be.

Even though we really have tried our hardest to make things work out, I still feel like a failure. I set out to spend a year in another country, and even though this is a result of all three of us, I still feel like I'll be coming home with my head hung.

They had an au pair for four months this last Spring, and I have no idea what their relationship was like but she was only ever going to stay for 6 months. When you know it's a relatively short term arrangement, things don't come to blows because you know it'll be over soon and it isn't worth fighting over.

I've already been here longer than their previous au pair, so the kids are already anticipating my departure (even though we told them it would be for a year). Last time they said goodbye after four months, so now they know that since she left after four months, I must be leaving after four months. They keep telling me which things I can take with me (such as drawings they make) and which things I can't (such as toys). They aren't being rude, their little bodies just know that the same amount of time has passed and, by precedent, it's time for me to go.

What makes me really sad is to leave before I'm really fluent, to leave before I've seen more of Europe, and above all to leave the kids. I really do love those kids, and I know that they love me, too. It's amazing how good my relationship with the kids is, especially in light of how stressful things have been with the parents. Sara and I have our birthdays a day apart, and I was hoping to hold out until then so we could celebrate together... but unfortunately, that won't be happening.

I think the last two months will be okay. Uncomfortable, but better knowing that it's only for two months and not for eight. I just hope that I continue to grow with the kids and that they will all have more good than bad to remember me by.

Thank you for your love and support- it's been very difficult and lonely here, and I know that I couldn't get through this sanely without it.

Lots of love,
~Julia~

Objectives

So I will update about Munich and Austria... eventually.

Things are mediocre at best. There are definitely ups, and certainly downs... but when I ask myself if I'm really happy, I don't think I can answer yes. I was talking to my Dad about it the other night and he recommended I try to figure out what my objectives were in coming here. Here's what I've come up with:

Why be an Au Pair?
1. Travel
2. Learn a new language
3. Do something/live somewhere completely new and different
4. Personal growth
5. Become part of the host family
6. Make lifelong friendships

I can safely say that I've partially accomplished numbers 1-4. However, the more I think about it the more I realize that I really do still feel like a guest living in someone else's house. My room feels relatively like my own private place, and I obviously know the house itself well... but relationally, I just don't feel like family.

It's been four months, and while I know I shouldn't expect it to be like we've known each other for years, I do still feel like someone they hired to do stuff for them. The point of being an Au Pair is to be a part of the family, specifically in working with the kids. That's what makes it different from a nanny- a nanny is clearly an employee. Even though I've gone on vacation with the family, it's definitely felt more like mandatory work than family time.

In addition, at least half of my work is cleaning. The mom doesn't work full time, so it makes sense that I'm not spending all of my work time with the kids- I have the kids two or three times a week in the afternoon... so if I want to make my hours, I have to do something. I don't mind that it's cleaning, but I didn't come to Germany to clean house. My weekly cleaning includes vacuuming the whole house, mopping, and cleaning the kids room, my room, and the bathroom we share... which I think is totally fair. I definitely had chores when I was a kid. They don't like me to go back to bed in the mornings, however, so they come up with projects for me to do (such as cleaning the garage, organizing the pantry, dusting the picture frames and lamps, etc.) Again, this isn't over the top... but when the hours cleaning equal the hours spent with kids, I begin to wonder why I even bother. I can clean at home in Boise.

In truth, they don't really need me... but we knew that months ago. Sometimes the kids are great, sometimes the kids are nightmares- but that's to be expected. Sometimes there are misunderstandings that need to be worked through, but that's the way it is with any relationship.

I think it's just everything together. I'm only just starting to make a couple friends, one of which will be going back to Hungary at the end of January. I started going to the normal church choir rehearsals instead of gospel choir, and the people are so much nicer and come up and talk to me... but I just don't have anyone here. I guess that's what missing... even though they're my guest family, I don't feel connected to them. I don't have friends outside of the house, but I don't really have people to feel comfortable and myself with IN the house. If I don't have that, then what am I really doing here?

In trying to figure out what's "wrong," I think it really comes down to my relationship with the family. It's definitely polite and cordial, and we like each other... but we're just not bonding. We know so much about each other (well, I think they know more about me... I tend to be an open book, whether you like it or not) but there just isn't a connection. Esther and I have had two experiences where I've felt like we were really connecting and enjoying each other's company... and sometimes the three of us play games. But in day-to-day life, I don't think there is one. The rest of the time, I'm just a person living in their house, cleaning and hanging out with their kids.

So how do we move forward from that? Do we make it work, or go our separate ways? Can we make it work?

I just don't know.